Raising Children: When To Begin

When Do I Begin Raising My Child?

Should I consider this before conception, after conception, whilst pregnant or perhaps after the child is born? Or before all of these situations arise?

As for raising children, in reality it starts even before marriage. Women of God begin with good, sincere intentions. This is followed by choosing a pious and righteous father and extending supplications and hopes to Allah. Clear intentions and plans are also required. Prophet Zakariyah asked Allah to give him pious children – in this way linking the desire for a child with a wholesome and pure offspring.

He also not only asked for children who were from the Awliya but for this to continue with inheritance from him and the Prophet Yaqub. All these supplications were made before the conception or birth of the child. And when his dua was granted and the good news of the child Yahya was given, he asked how this would be possible when he was an old man with grey hair and his wife a barren lady. However, his intentions and hopes were so sincere that Allah granted him what he requested without any logical, material possibility of it. Thus, we embark upon this journey by cultivating such hopes and intentions and remembering that anything is possible for Our Lord.

Hana & The Baby Maryam

Allah continues to remind us of the pure intentions and the secret of the hearts of the truthful in the hope and supplications for pious offspring. Hana took an oath to place her child in the exclusive service of Allah without having any part of the world and Allah accepted this in the best and most complete way and granted her better than what she intended. She was surprised and amazed at the birth of a female child when her intentions were for a male child so that he could be placed in a sacred space in the temple. She responded to the discovery by saying that a male child is not like a female child and named her Maryam. However Allah said that he knew better than she regarding what she had given birth to. This was similar to the response given to the angels when they questioned the creation of humans who would cause bloodshed on earth.

Imran’s wife said, ‘Lord, I have dedicated what is growing in my womb entirely to You; so accept this from me. You are the One who hears and knows all,’ but when she gave birth, she said, ‘My Lord! I have given birth to a girl’- God knew best what she had given birth to: the male is not like the female – ‘I name her Mary and I commend her and her offspring to Your protection from the rejected Satan.’ (Quran 3:35-36)

Hana then sought protection in Allah for Maryam and her offspring from the accursed Satan. She did not look at her situation in the world or her material circumstances at the time – rather she had a higher aspiration and was looking at something greater, beyond her newborn child and to her progeny who would be born in the form of Prophet Isa, without a father. He was a product and result of the high noble intentions of his grandmother, Hana. And he will establish a process of order and civilisation on Earth, at the end of times and rule according to the religion of the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ.

Tarbiyyah of Pregnancy

Such is the tarbiyyah required in the days of pregnancy. So be aware of your intentions, rectify them and make them clear. Make supplication for both a pious spouse and pious offspring – be specific and clear. Children when they are the coolness of our eyes will raise our ranks and increase our rewards. After we die and pass on from this world, they will keep our good deeds alive. So seek out food that is both halal and wholesome. Ensure that all that the child hears from both the mother and the surroundings is sound and good. This includes Quran recitation, poetry, nasheeds and words of the pious predecessors which will open up the child’s intellect. Similar to the way the umbilical cord nourishes the child physically, listening to good will nurture the spiritual state.

Tarbiyyah at Birth

Tarbiyyah at the moment of birth is also touched upon by Hana who seeks protection in Allah from the accursed Satan and so we should also strive to do this. Immediately after that it is sunnah to recite the Adhan in the right ear of the child and the iqamah in the left. This is not a call for them to stand up and pray but rather to connect and bond the soul of the newborn to Allah. So the soul realises the secret of its existence on earth and hears it has a Creator whose name is Allah. When it hears ‘Allahu Akbar’ from the first moment that it enters the world, then it will not sever this relationship or do that which is in opposition to its meaning so easily, even in later life due to its great early impact.

Thereafter, we should perform the tahniq (sweetening the baby’s mouth with a bit of chewed date or the like). A good name should also be chosen for the child – from amongst the Prophets or the righteous as this will have a great impact. Let your children feel a great sense of pride on the Day of Judgement when they recognise the righteous who they have been named after. Also ask the pious and righteous to make dua for them. Always deal with your child with a dhikr on your tongue, with the names of Allah and words that will connect them to Allah so that they are always absorbing through their exposure with you. Even whilst playing with them, recite the declaration of faith so there is a constant connection between the soul of the child and it’s creator.

Duas to Fortify The Child

‘I place you in the protection of the Living, the Self-Sufficient who never dies and I drive evil away from you with ‘There is no strength nor might except in Allah the Sublime, the Almighty’ a billion times over.

‘I seek refuge for you in the complete words of Allah from every devil, every creature and every evil eye.’

Breastfeeding The Child

Breastfeeding can change the nature of a child so always begin with the name of Allah. Try to leave your phone or any distractions and gaze at the child’s face with complete joy, emotions and attachment. Remind the child of your hopes and intentions and duas for them and use it as an opportunity to recite your adhkaar and then read stories of the pious who came before. The correct order should be – basmallah, dua and then dhikr. It is important to bear in mind that whatever the state and temperament of the mother, it will be transferred and become present within the child. Hasan al-Basri said that the cause of his knowledge and scrupulousness was the breastmilk he had taken from Umm Salamah, the wife of the Prophet ﷺ. Although she was an elderly lady at this time without milk but Allah blessed her so that she was able to feed him.

A Christian man came to a pious predecessor named Suhaib and he asked him to go visit your mother who gave you the milk of Islam. He was surprised at this statement and returned home to ask his mother regarding it. She replied that their Muslim neighbour had fed him shortly after birth. He realised this connection of the milk and it became a source of guidance to Tawhid for him. So we can never underestimate the significance of breast milk and it’s powerful connection between two individuals.

Allah has instructed breastfeeding of a child for 2 years for whoever is pleased with that. If the mother is separated from the father then he is to send the child to the mother for that period and if she is not able to breastfeed then he is to find an alternative nurse mother. Musa’s mother was inspired by Alalh to breastfeed him and was reunited with him in the palace of Pharaoh as a result.

If you want to read more Part one can be found here: Raising Children: The 21st Century

Reflections from Raising Children with Ustadha Zaynab bint al-Habib Umar bin Hafidh. Born and raised in the blessed city of Tarim in Yemen. She is the 40th grand-daughter of the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ.